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Chapter 7: A girl’s monologue 1
I feel like I've been looking for someone for ages, before I even knew what I was doing. But really, it's only been about a year...and to be honest, I feel like my "identity," if that's the word for it, was established only recently.
No, hold on. Don't snark at me just yet.
Ever since I was little, I was sick and bedridden. I didn't really need a sense of self...well, to be more accurate, I'm sure I was trying hard not to have one.
I wanted to pull on a pair of running shoes and sprint around a track. I wanted to walk home from school with a big group of friends and stop for bubble tea together.
That was never an option, though.
And if wishing wouldn't make it happen, then it was better not to wish at all. With that in mind, I constantly warned myself not to develop a self.
I don't have many old memories, really. Maybe some vague glimpses of being tucked into a small bed in a small room, but other than that, I can't remember much. When I try, my head just starts to hurt—
But it was fine. Or that's what I told myself.
And then one day, I developed a wish I desperately wanted to fulfill. This chest, this heart, was screaming that it wanted to see someone. What should I do?
I'd never wished for anything. I'd never thought I would get a chance to accomplish anything.
What could I do? Was I capable of granting this heart's wish?
—The next thing I knew, I'd broken into a run.
Now, I had legs that could hit the asphalt and shove it away from me. I had a storm of emotions that had been building for eighteen years. As long as I had those, I was invincible.
"You're the ace detective?"
And then the hope I'd finally found was listless, unambitious, and resigned.
He'd given up on almost everything. He reminded me of who I used to be.
That meant I couldn't just leave him like that. I ended up telling him off, and I accidentally let him see me cry. I...really didn't mean for any of that to happen.
And then I made another blunder and let him save me again.
"No matter who that heart belongs to, it's okay for you to live your own life, Natsunagi."
That was what he told me. And so, I'm sure...
...today, here and now, my life is beginning again.
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